Authenticity is pretty important to me. It makes me really happy when I can act authentically and be around people who feel similarly.
However, I’m now starting to realize how much my authenticity is an expression of privilege and how important it is to me to enable authenticity not only for myself, but for others.
To me, “authenticity” means trusting my impulses and acting without self moderation.
This means being authentically excited when I get positive feedback at work and not acting cool and professional.
This means being authentically disappointed when a friend cancels a dinner meeting, and not pretending it’s fine.
But I can’t be authentic all the time. My values, ambitions and environment are constantly changing and my impulses are slow to keep up. When my impulses serve me, I can act authentically. When my impulses are outdated or deviant, I have to moderate and consciously decide to act inauthentically.
I’d rather not follow my impulse to discount others’ ideas when I want to be right.
I’d rather not follow my impulse to wear shorts to a business meeting, even if it’s hot out.
I’d rather not follow my impulse to drink a lot, even when my friends are.
While in these cases I feel it’s important for me to be inauthentic, in most situations I’ll risk authenticity, not only because it’s fun, but because it’s essential for growth. As a student I was able to advance faster because I could authentically ask “dumb” questions. As a founder I was able to grow faster because I could authentically make “dumb” pitches to VCs and learn from feedback. The only way to refine our impulses is to express them and learn from the results, good or bad.
In this way authentic action is an investment. I can risk my reputation, my health and my money on impulsive actions that bring me joy and growth. However, just like with real capital markets, not everyone can afford to invest. This is usually due to two factors:
Not everyone has enough social, monetary or professional capital. I can risk asking questions at my workplace because my background, including my race, gender, and education, give me enough capital that I can afford to look naive. However my peers who are people of color or women may not have the same affordance. When they ask the same naive questions they’re more likely to be perceived as junior or unqualified.
Some people’s authentic impulses are more risky. My most socially deviant impulse is probably a desire to dress in drag and sing Taylor Swift. I feel fortunate that among my peers, mostly expats and urbanites, I can express this impulse authentically. However, my friends whose romantic, career or philosophical interests are more deviant find it harder to be authentic. They have many impulses that don’t align with the norms of the culture around them, so authenticity is more risky."
Authenticity is a privilege we buy. It is one of the most important investments we can make in our happiness and growth— but not everyone can afford it.
Framing authenticity this way has changed how I think about privilege and inequity. I used to frame inequity as others not having the same opportunities I’ve had. I've spent a lot of time wanting and helping people to have my life— a good education, a well paying job, frequent exercise, etc. However, as I did this I often ignored the actual impulses and desires of those I’ve sought to help. I assumed that everyone’s authentic life was the same as mine.
In fact, I’ve started to feel a bit like Tom Sawyer— telling others that painting a fence will make them happy, then calling it charity when I buy them a brush. Equity means enabling others to express their authentic impulses, now and in the future, just as I have been privileged to do. Some people, like me, really enjoy painting fences. Others do not. I need to balance putting up more fences with understanding that there are other ways to spend a life, and being curious about what those other lives might look like. I need to create an environment where my friends and co-workers feel the cost of acting authentically is low— even when their impulses are deviant[^1]. A space where mistakes receive feedback that is clear and timely, but also empathetic and encouraging. I can pursue equality of authenticity if not equity of capital.
Of course, authentic peers and co-workers are essential for my own growth as well. I can’t improve my own impulses without clear, authentic feedback from those around me. When my peers feel the need to be inauthentic, I don’t get that feedback and my own growth is stunted.
I’m starting to feel like the ability to create authentic environments for myself and those around may be one of the most important things to develop in my life and career. I’m realizing that, just as there is value in creating opportunity at scale, there is value in enabling authenticity for those around me. There will always be times when inauthentic action is required, but I think there are many more situations in which simple changes like being more curious, admitting more mistakes and asking for more help, can create truly authentic spaces.
[^1]: Interestingly, this is a reason I’ve heard for why drinking with co-workers is so important in Korea and Japan. Managers value authentic feedback, but know their reports won’t feel comfortable giving it at work, so they get everyone drunk.